Over here on Patreon!
I used to get paid for Perky & Slick. Now I am again. By YOU, the fans! Go check it out! A new cartoon each week, with rewards for certain pledge amounts! Support independent cartooning and pledge to me today!
Oh, and also be sure to check out this interview with me, courtesy of Z&T!
- Listening to: Ghoultown- Drink With The Living Dead
- Playing: Left 4 Dead 2
- Eating: Pigs in a blanket
- Drinking: Sauza tequila
On Monday, the brave woman and men of the internet toy show Toy Break take a break from discussing resin to feature my terrifying work with chenille stems!
Check out my horrors at around the 17:40 mark!!
- Listening to: Opeth- Face Of Melinda
- Watching: Toy Break, Episode 69 (hurr hurr)
- Drinking: Tangueray Gin
Bliss. Much needed bliss.
Now I owe Pencognito a fresh batch of herring cookies and strawberry tequila.
- Listening to: Korpiklaani- Wooden Pints
- Reading: Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay
- Watching: Eragon with RiffTrax
- Playing: Left 4 Dead (what else?)
- Drinking: 2000 Maniacs (SoCo and Code Red Mtn. Dew)
Each one is custom-made by me, has removable limbs and a head, and will come with their Slasher Sheets, Bloodcounts, and game markers. I am asking between $25-40 for the figures, inherent upon the effort required to make them. To make them affordable, the figures have been scaled down to 3" in height, and they play on a 6 x 8 square grid, with spaces measuring 2.25" square (in case you wanted to get started on making a board...)
I always said I'd never do this, because it would be nothing sort of in-motherfucking-sane and I'd never meet demand. And yet, there's something liberating about doing these all by myself... no compromises on their appearances, no ungodly costs towards plastic production, able to change their costumes if I like... yeah. This should be fun.
The rulebook is coming soon. Honest. It's packing art from <a href="www.chrispallace.com/>Chris Pallace and <a href="www.serwacki.com/>Kevin Serwacki, so I want it as bad as you do. But I wanted to get the figures up today- Friday the 13th- in preparation for the possible Wikipedia article about this game.
This is the first wave. Next up are Lycosus, Crucifiend, Trigger Treat and the Thicket. I'll have them up soon. I want to see how well these guys do.
...And for the record, game testing will continue. Send me some evenings that you would be up for it.
Wish me luck, okay...?
- Listening to: King Diamond- Never-Ending Hill
- Reading: Watchmen
- Watching: My Etsy store; SELL, damn you, SELL!
- Drinking: Yesterday's coffee
And for once, I had a gloom-free December- good weather, relaxed work pace, awesome birthday gifts (thank you, everyone!), enough money for Xmas gifts- right up until Xmas Eve where I threw my back out and had to cancel my travel plans. ARGH.
But anyway, I thought I'd let you all know that I'm on FaceBook now. And I truly enjoy it. Tag me if you like. I'm looking forward to word games with my sister and Mom.
To properly decorate my FaceBook, I saw an episode of Zero Punctuation in which Yahtzee revealed that during games of "The Legend Of Zelda", he'd change Link's name to "I Say", so that everyone who addressed him would sound like Foghorn Leghorn. Inspired, I've created Final Fantasy Tactics- The Gangsta Rap Edition and maturely changed the name of FFT's lead character to "MutherFUCKER" so that everyone talks like Dr. Dre.
...Don't worry, the rest of my New Year's Resolutions get a little more substantial than this, from devoting more time towards AMPUTHEATRE and looking towards finally get a house. Exercise is in there too, but isn't that everyone's default resolution...?
Off to clean up the house and straighten my art desk, but you know what...? After a few games with my friends last night, I was able to compile The Gil-Monster's Exclusive Winner's Edge Mortal Kombat VS. DC Universe Strategy Guide. Don't bother with any of those other guides on Gamespot or IGN or wherever- this is the only one you'll need. You got some time to read it? Here is the complete text:
- Wait for your opponent to choose The Flash as his fighter.
- Choose Scorpion.
- As soon as Shao Kahn yells "FIGHT!", perform Scorpion's Inner Flames super move (Down, Down, Y for XBOX360, Down, Down, TRIANGLE for PS3) to coat the yellow ninja in Hellfire. Hold the button down to keep the fire going.
- Wait for The Flash to burn himself when he tries to attack you, then buffer the Inner Flames. Repeat.
- Experienced players might try to run rapidly around Scorpion to create some kind of flame-extinguishing vacuum, or even have The Flash zip off to the Butte, Montana Fire Department for a sand bucket. This Flash however will not do these things. Blind to both the rudimentary premise of common sense and the learning potential of agonizing pain, he will continue to attempt to punch Scorpion- thinking "Maybe NOW he's not hot" every time. And immolate himself. Again.
- And again.
- And again.
- Listen for Shao Kahn to say "I HAVEN'T LAUGHED THAT HARD IN A LONG TIME" instead of "SCORPION WINS".
YO! Ed fucking BOON! The Flash has no missile attacks! Did your game testers EVEN get the MK disc out of the box...?
EDIT: Okay, okay... after much playtesting with Boba, we discovered that by means of a gimped Cossack Dance on the part of The Flash, Scorpion's Hellfire can indeed be thwarted. Low Kick him. Well played, Mr. Boon. Well played.
- Listening to: Maggie Estep- Fuck Me
- Reading: The Gil-Monster's MK vs. DC Guide
- Drinking: Yesterday's coffee
On paper, the concept behind Netrek sounds completely absurd. A real-time outer space strategy game with full control of your ship, based on the Star Trek universe...? Utterly stupid- everyone already KNOWS that Star Trekdidn't DO space combat. Not like Star Wars or Babylon 5, anyway. In those last two you've got swarms of fighter craft zipping about laying an en masse smackdown on cruisers and space stations, with laser fire tearing up a galaxy where nothing is not exploding. You can practically hear all of the pilots in their cockpits shouting macho stuff like "This is Red 5, I'm going in!" and "Rising up / Back on the street / Took my time, took my chances / Went the distance..."
But Star Trek? You've only ever got two ships- three if you've eaten all the vegetables off your plate. During the battle, one of them will occasionally cough a photon at the other, which is the cue for the director to jostle the camera and the actors to jostle themselves. First Lieutenant Neauschitt Sherlock will then cry, "Captain, we've been hit!" which would provoke thoughtful discussion amongst the crew.
In fairness, Kirk ended these discussions the fastest, but from Picard onward we just knew there was a Space Combat Handbook somewhere on the bridge, opened to the Troubleshooting Section with the Enemy Craft Still Here, Still Firing page dog-eared. Upon reading that entry, it says Cut all the power, to deceive your enemy into thinking your vessel is derelict. The captain Makes It So. (Just in case you think I'm playing favorites here, on the opposite page it reads "Create a diversion with your cruiser while a fighter flies down the exhaust port and knocks out the main reactor" under "I've found a Death Star. What should I do?"
As the captain agonizingly crawls his way back to the handbook, his crew dropping dead around him, he reads further. "Um, not the life support, you douche-nozzle. You NEED that. Trust me on this- your enemy's radar will not pick up the massive amounts of energy required to sustain a craft containing 300+ people. I know it sounds crazy, but the Klingons and Romulans seriously haven't thought about making a radar that does just this. Maybe Life Support is like The fucking Force or something; I don't know. Are you still reading?"
Meanwhile, the enemy craft has noticed that the U.S.S. Opossum has oddly rolled 90 degrees to port. "Must have fallen asleep from all the excitement," think the aliens. "Captain, what does that tiny text on the bottom of their hull say?" "I don't know, Ensign XXRPT-112. Pull up close. Shields down."
"It says, 'SUCKER' Captain..."
"Aw tribbleshit; I TOLD myself I wasn't gonna fall for this AGA-"
...I know that Star Trek strived for a tactical realism over popcorn thrills, this is mostly just from a discussion that my wife and I had this morning regarding Trek. But I gave up on Trek long ago after five simple words: "Any sign of Neelix's lungs?"
Don't go all Well that was ST: Voyager on me. That was in the running for Dumbest Question anyone could have ever asked a group of people. Captain Janeway could have announced into the Voyager's intercom Attention everyone: I'm masturbating to a photo of my gerbil and STILL walked away from the mouthpiece with more dignity. If I find a pair of lungs lying around on the ship I'm going to damn well report them- I need no prodding.
"...Well, I saw some lungs... but I thought it best to leave them there in case Neelix came back for them. They were in the attic. He must have put them down momentarily when he was trying to bring down the ping-pong table. Weird that he forgot about them, seeing how he collapsed short of breath after beating Seven Of Nine 19-17. ...You know, it reminded of that time we fought the Ferengi warship."
...I'm wasting my breath on you! YOU'RE all agape and shit, haltingly repeating to yourself: "How the FUCK did he lose his FUCKING LUNGS!?"
- Listening to: Tristania- Bird
- Reading: The Space Combat Handbook
- Drinking: Hot chocolate
I finally broke down and bought a used copy of Gears of War for reference. (Video games as tax write-offs. My job now officially pwns.) Frankly I don't get excited anymore over soldiers in big bulky battle armor, looking like Volkswagen Impersonators, or V.I. JOEs for short. ALIENS was 20 years ago, and that's all I'll say because that little nugget of knowledge packs glass shards in it, and doesn't go down quite so easily.
I always thought GoW was a first-person shooter which- unless it's Condemned- doesn't do much for me either- o Frith and Inle; I'm impossible to please. Turns out the game is in third-person perspective. I see what the fuss is about- it's memorable, it's exciting, and it's actually pretty innovative. Shooting petrol tanks to light up the night and (old school alert!) thwart the grues, though, is very intense. Remember the grues from Zork...? They now have wings. And numbers.
I'm not sold on the cover system, probably because the auto-aim of both Manhunt or Grand Theft Auto IV have spoiled me. I know I don't like enemies that take six or seven rounds to the head before sating the maggot munchies. And I am amused that super-soldier Marcus Fenix can't jump over anything in his path unless he first bashes the object with his armored butt.
...Anyway, my birthday is coming up and it's around this time that I inform people of what I would like. My mantra has always been Horror Movies~Heavy Metal~Video Games~Horror Movies~Heavy Metal~Video Games and it rings louder in this economy. Three pages of ideas comprise my Amazon Wish List, and I also decree that my thirty-fucking-seventh year on Earth shalt be heralded with Liu Kang- that Shaolin slab of mutton- getting his teeth kicked in by The Joker. ...Let's hear you cluck your HAI-YAHs through cheeks pulled back to your EARS, cheese-boy...!
If you want to get creative on me I would love an official Blood Island- you know, the Shark Board- professionally printed and Plak-It'ed for AMPUTHEATRE combat- but that'd be kind of hard to surprise me with. You'd have to wrestle me to the ground and run off with my AMPUTHEATRE data, specifically the Official Board CD and the Dremel Font, and assure me that it would all be for a good cause.
...What might be easier? Learn enough Cyrillic to go to Alkonost's official website and buy me an album. Say it with me: FUCK THE SHIPPING COSTS; THE GIL-MONSTER NEEDS ARIAS, WINDMILLS, AND METEORITES! RUSSIAN METEORITES!!
Now if you'll excuse me, I feel the need to storm something.
- Watching: The Alkonost video for Waiting
- Eating: nothing (wife isn't back from the Roller Derby)
- Drinking: Wegman's coffee
Last night, my wife, my friend and I caught the double bill of Hellboy II: The Golden Army and Indiana Jones and the Cumbersome Title.
It shouldn't blow my mind that the former, with its government employed, good-hearted pit fiend who enters a "troll market" to beat the crap out of elves, is a zillion times more plausible and believable than the latter. However, it does. There still must be some belief in either George Lucas or Steven Spielberg that lingers within me, using a stick to beat back the suffocating tide of cynicism within my obsidian heart. (I'm hoping that my middle finger raised and directed towards this summer's Clone Wars will finally overwhelm it.)
A colossal glut of distressingly unchecked stupid contaminates Crystal Skull. I want to list it all and yet I don't want to. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't this the movie where Indiana Jones was a little long in the tooth and couldn't quite pull off the crazy stunts of yore? Wasn't his basic human frailty the reason he resonated with us so? We believed it when he single-handedly took down a truck of armed Nazi soldiers.
Well, apparently in his old age, he's traded standard human athleticism for goddamn superpowers. He escapes a swarm of army ants tough enough to drag human beings back to their anthill, survives plummeting from three 200' high waterfalls in succession without grinding his 65-year-old hips into powdered Tang, ducks the same style of car collision that Stuntman Mike used to shred four girls into pulled pork in Death Proof (from behind!), and... well, it involves a refrigerator and a nuclear explosion.
...I'm sorry. I meant "Indy and up to four other people survive all these". One of whom doesn't even know what planet he's on.
Crap- I am listing it all, aren't I...? Well, might as well complete it:
- You could just... y'know, close your eyes if you don't want to stare into the Crystal Skull anymore, Indy. Heck, it worked for the Wrath of God in the first movie...
- Though it killed the momentum, I liked this little speech that Indy gave. "With scorpions, the bigger the better... If a little one stings you, don't keep it to yourself." I guess Lucas and co. didn't want moviegoers freaking out and squashing the fairly harmless Emperor scorpions because of this movie. But hey- snakes make awesome rope!
- When did Indy become a colonel in the U.S. Army?
- STALIN WAS NOT OBSESSED WITH THE OCCULT! He had ONE obsession: KILLING PEOPLE! "Who said I was obsessed with the Occult...? Kill them!"
- How does Indy become the Assistant Dean of the University after being blacklisted for suspicion of Communism and returning from Peru with... nothing to show for it except for... further dabbles with the Russians?
- What was the point of the monument to the late Marcus Brody losing its head as a car crashed into it...? It didn't stop the bad guys- it only made Indy sour. That wasn't amusing.
- And how did Brody die anyway? Did he finally succumb to the terminal cornballitis that afflicted him during Indiana Jones And What Should Have Been The Last Crusade?
Then you have Chiapet LeBouffant (sp?) who summons all of his woodland friends to help him before he stands on two moving cars while taking numerous Amazonian sapling thrashes to the junk, the useless Ray Winstone who helps/betrays/helps/betrays Indy (gee, George; did you see Pirates of The Caribbean too?) and Cate Blanchett playing the least terrifying villain since whoever threw down with Bugs Bunny last.
Aw, fuck- and I haven't even mentioned the aliens yet.
OR the prairie dogs.
Think I'll just post this and reflect on how good Hellboy II was.
- Watching: George Lucas defecate on my childhood- AGAIN!
- Eating: leftover Papa John's mushroom pizza
- Drinking: Ghetto margarita (Sprite & Sauza)
Did I just... really come out of a corporate hellhole multiplex theatre, smiling and awestruck, as if I was 12 again?
Couldn't have. Not since Lord Of The Rings has Hollywood given me anything to actually dance and shout about, twirling my plastic chainsaws with glee.
Yeah, it was all in my head.
...Maybe I should go see The Dark Knight again to confirm this. You know... to double check.
...How soon can we conduct further research?
How about now.
- Watching: The Dark Knight
- Eating: China Buffet
- Drinking: Water
It even has the satirical edge, too. Machine Girl lampoons family values- specifically the extremes that relatives will pursue to protect or avenge each other. When requests to speak with a couple's son are met with golf club beatings and tempura'ed body parts, you know you're in awesome parodyville.
...come the third act, Machine Girl goes too far (even for itself) and tries to point out the folly in, um... bereavement? After Ami gleefully slays a trio of ninjas, the Yakuza convince the ninjas' sobbing parents to join them and get vengeance upon the Machine Girl. The parents are turned into super-soldiers with various armor, each one sporting their child's photo on their chest.
Great. Now the villains have the same motive as our heroine, and nothing- NOTHING- makes the transmission of a high-speed splatterfest fall out quicker than humanizing the bad guys. Call me a prude if you must, but this didn't work for me. The film is still enjoyable, but I confess that my laughter at the climatic mayhem was fairly forced- even with the added nemesis of a "drill bra" at the end.
You can't have it both ways, Machine Girl. If violence IS the only answer, don't EVER make us look back. And because of this, my original iMDB rating of 8 stars has been knocked down to a 7.
- Listening to: Opeth- the whole Watershed album
- Eating: Nachos
- Drinking: Water
Then I remembered: I used to get paid for cartooning! And it felt pretty good! So I've uploaded a couple of my older Perky & Slick cartoon strips to deviantART. If you want to see them all, just click here. (And because I'm a nostalgic old fart, I've written some commentary about them.)
If you like my cartoons, please pass them along.
...Perky & Slick, AMPUTHEATRE, and Chenille Macabre. Yes. This can all be done at once.
- Listening to: Cradle of Filth- Saffron's Curse
- Drinking: Triple grande soy mocha from Starbucks
You know La Boheme's damage. Starving Bohemian artists try to stay warm on Christmas Eve. One of them convinces a neighboring waif to fall in love with him, and everybody everywhere is blissful until it's dropped that Mimi the waif is fatally afflicted with deus ex machinitis. Yes. La Boheme is aggressively and unapologetically plotless. (Why ...yes. The toy vendor was integral. Sure.) But still- it was still a beautiful and rich performance. The actors were all quite physical in their singing- apart from Mimi (yes I know she's supposed to be sick but sick people shouldn't be belting their lungs out anyway; gesture, woman!)
"I hate Bohemians", I thought in the final act as the four artists pranced about their flat, mimicking tittering women and fencing with paintbrushes. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't moved as the curtains fell for the final time.
So is my wife, by the way. "Feh! I do not 'cry' at the OPERA!" she said before the lights dimmed.
- Listening to: Wednesday 13- The Ghost of Vincent Price
- Eating: Zingers (BAD Gil-Monster!)
- Drinking: Leftover homebrewed Starbucks
If you can't make this one, there's also the UBCon coming up, April 12-13.
Oh, and new Slashers have been uploaded to the Rogues' Gallery: Imbarhu, Taenia, Tusagti, and Vrakk.
It should be noted that I will never, ever stop making characters for AMPUTHEATRE. It's my hobby- a universe of horror, and it won't stop growing.
- Listening to: Bal-Sagoth- Beneath The Crimson Vaults...
- Drinking: Leftover homebrewed Starbucks
It was hard to decide just what to spend my Secret Santa Gamestop gift card towards. Burnout: Paradise however was not in the running. I played the demo and while I had a blast rocketing upside down off a ramp in my sports car, I had other issues with the game. Anyway, I built up an intense loathing of DJ Atomica. I tend to get twitchy when my wife off-handedly mentions the phone bill as I'm driving 50 mph in rush-hour traffic. Now- if you took that sentence and replaced "wife", "phone bill", "50" and "rush-hour" with, respectively, "cock-jockey", "this one party he went to", "225" and "oncoming"... why, yes. "Twitchy" would also need to go.
But I loved Condemned: Criminal Origins, and now that Condemned 2: Bloodshot is out, I snagged that.
I don't know if it's ever going to be scary as the previous game- I can blame this on the fact that lead character Ethan Thomas is now a testosterone-fuelled badass intrinsically aware of his environment. Gimme another fish out of water, dammit! Although, if I wasn't playing a disgraced, alcoholic Fed, I'd miss out on having to drink moldy booze in order to keep my firing arm straight. That rocks. Also, both the fighting and the investigative aspects of the game have been improved, and there's even a "Bloodshot Fight Club" that you can enter to hone your pugilistic skills- very, very welcome.
These- along with the new batch of weapons like bedposts, toilet seats, beaker stands, and bricks- help to alleviate a few gripes like the graphics being a little less crisp, the developers borrowing the Dead Rising font for all game text (which really sucks if you don't have a high-definition TV) and of course, Warner Bros. having their name on this game.
Look: The WB made one great horror film: The Exorcist. But they keep trying to recapture that magic, and it always results in shame, collateral damage, and casualties. Eff Yakko, Wakko, and Dot: if there's an exorcism in Condemned 2 because of WB's insistence, I'm grabbing DJ Atomica and we're jumping a sportscar into that frickin' WB water tower.
- Listening to: Hellsongs- Seek and Destroy (Metallica cover)
- Drinking: Sunoco coffee
An indefinitely invaluable resource for both AMPUTHEATRE and Chenille Macabre! Thanks, Marya!
In other news, I've resumed my twisted comic strip of Perky & Slick. Beware.
- Listening to: Finntroll- Sang
- Drinking: Starbucks
1. Post these rules in your journal.
2. Each tagged person shall post 8 aleatory facts about themselves.
3. Tagged people shall write a Journal/Blog about their facts.
1. I have been pronouncing the names of dinosaurs since I was 2, building pipecleaner monsters since I was 4, and playing video games since I was 7.
2. I am a published cartoonist and I have worked on "Perky & Slick" for ten years. I haven't done it lately because 1: AMPUTHEATRE just holds more passion for me, and 2: everyone and their dog has a web comic. (Throw some money my way, though... )
3. I play an animal-rights protester in the upcoming Troma film Poultrygeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead. I'm the one in the black-and-red spiked trenchcoat, and I think I'm grabbing my crotch in it.
4. I am an avid fan of "bad" films- not just cheap sci-fi, but big-budget bombs as well. Gigli currently holds the top spot for Worst Film I've Ever Seen.
5. Probably my favorite food is crab.
6. My animations are featured in Enter The Dagon, a Lovecraftian mockumentary by Spinning Grave Productions.
7. The second and third toes on both of my feet are webbed together.
8. My favorite adult beverage of choice is a Margarita, with salt.
4. After posting your 8 facts, tag and name 8 more people.
5. Go to their dA websites and comment that they have been tagged and hugged, or have inspirational qualities...
- Drinking: Gatorade
As well as demonstrating AMPUTHEATRE (on a smaller board, as this really isn't a gaming convention) I will be selling some of my original Chenille Macabre monsters, as well as some prints, like of Jinglebunny there and also the evil General Ghebembwe.
Now if you'll excuse me, I must once again fetter my ankles to the work desk. When next you see me, we will walk together as the undead as part of the record-breaking Zombie Walk in Monroeville Mall!
See you there!